Working full time for a little while both my mind and my body have shut down and I can’t do much more as soon as I come home. I am already on edge and exhausted and my bones are riddled and smudged in a coat of thick anxiety. It’s clear now that my brain and body cannot handle stress and that has made so many long-term plans and ideas and goals disintegrate right before my eyes because there is just so no way I will smother and kneed and hurt myself to fit in whatever this is and what this world wants me to be because clearly my brain and body was not designed or designated for this and it sucks and I wish it weren’t so but I feel what’s most important to me, right now anyway, is to be myself and do in life things that are slow and feel good rather than fit in your suffocating mould and work my butt off for things I don’t even know I want. But basically all I am saying right now is I am really really really prone to depression apparently due to a low stress level, and it sucks but it’s okay too because I want to make that work and not make myself change and work like this or that day in day out because I think I would be able to do that, not change for anyone or anything I mean, not now but some day any way, I mean most of my life I guess and not now but I guess some day. Anyway all I’m saying is I am beat and tired and I feel like giving up, not in a sense of all of it and completely and wholly but this, now, and doing only the bare necessities and earn some money but nap a lot and just not move any limbs for a while any more and then rest and then see how I feel even and I am determined that bright and loud colours will cheer myself up and it’s not working at all but damn it if I don’t look cute while doing so.