dress: second hand, boots: shoe discount, sweater: Louche, earrings: second hand

This sweater was expensive to me but after waiting for an hour an a half in freezing and snowy weather for a friend (!) a voice just kept whispering to me ‘treat yourself treat yourself treat yourself’. And so I did. I used to yearn so much for items like these, hating myself because I couldn’t afford any of it but after setting myself limits towards my shopping behavior and ultimately really looking into the workings of it and myself I realized that what I wanted was not the items, but the lifestyle they sold to me; to be able to carelessly spend such and such amount on dresses not even perfectly suited for me but suited for a carefree twenty-something, hip and cool and smooth and funny and sociable and pretty and most of all: happy. I am not even half of that but truthfully? Half of the other I don’t even want to be and, the one I wanted most; happiness, is to be made on my own terms, not clothing. Now, I’m just exasperated that I could ever want items whose price/quality/originality ratio is just not good enough for me, not suited absolutely perfectly, not worth that money at all (for me). Though I still go in hip&cool boutiques like these, touch the fabrics and scowl sadly because it’s a dream that shattered before my eyes, it’ll never be real! I can never buy a dress that will melt all my issues away. Stupidly I still really do wish it could.