So anyways I was sad today and then my second Orla Kiely shoes arrived which went perfectly with the dress I just put on and they go so nice together. That’s such a cute coincidence and I needed to document that. It’s the coincidence I want to share not the shoes & the buying & buying & buying. Feelings, smiles and good things. That needs to be remembered. I need to document these tiny moments that make me smile more. Will you help me? Like give a shout out whenever and say hey what’s yr outfit or what was good today, eline? or something?

Ever since my last exams in December & January I’ve been extremely Not Well (mentally). And just like the shoes in my last post I got them on ebay in a panic-fueled-stress-impulse purchase. I have been sucked in those moments quite a lot lately. I need to stooohhhhp. But that small piece of adrenaline I get, the short-lived illusion of happiness when spending money, all my money and just letting myself go for once, like I can breathe for five minutes (and then the panic comes knocking right on time) is so hard to resist. I feel like this glass version of myself and it cracks and cracks and cracks and soon there will be nothing more left to crack and I’ll be gone. Physically, mentally, both? I don’t even know. But I feel like I’m at a border that I never want to cross because I don’t think there’s a path to turn back. But I’m just being pushed towards it little by little and I’m scared.

Clothes, makeup, shoes, bags, skincare…. it let’s me breathe just for a bit. Some will cry out CAPITALIST CONSUMER CULTURE HAS TRAPPED YOU. But you forget the love I have for clothing, my personal rituals, myth and becoming/being I’ve woven around it all of that. And oh yes, of course my relationship with consuming is warped.

But I’m trying to be easy on myself.
It’s difficult.