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socks: hema, shoes: dr. martens; top: via etsy, shorts: second hand, bra: la fille d’o

Truth time: I haven’t been keeping up with my outfits, and I haven’t been wearing any decent outfits lately because I’ve had a lot of issues with some new medication I was prescribed. Of course the switch in itself was awful, as was expected, but the medication prescribed was even more so. I am incredibly forgetful and immature about taking medication so naturally there came a moment where I was just peacefully reading something on bed in the afternoon, when out of nowhere I had a ridiculous panic attack -bodily; racing heart, sweat, out of breath, twitching and clattering my teeth on bed-, which hasn’t happened without reason for over a year. Turns out of course, I forgot to take my medication, yet it was only four hours later than I usually took it. This scared me senseless and I wanted to get rid of this particular medication inside myself ASAP. Clearly this medication is not right for someone irresponsible and forgetful?, but maybe that’s not right because I don’t know. And maybe wearing the same smelly dress over and over isn’t a symptom of this either because I don’t know how to trust my own emotions any more. And maybe clattering teeth and heightened anxiety is a symptom of something else because how do I know when there are thousands of things that could leave me feeling this way? From simply not eating breakfast to financial issues, how do I keep up with everything that could hurt heightened emotions?

And then, you resort to self-care. Recently I read some well-deserved criticism of the tumblr-style form of self-care. I usually keep away from it because there is no catch-all, easy to digest, formulated form of self-care for anyone as much as we all would like it to be and as perfect for monetizing it is. Because to care for yourself you have to know yourself, and guess what that’s really fucking hard, especially so with a mental illness. How do you trust yourself, how do you know what’s right for yourself when there could be so many things messing up your mood? The only way to find something for yourself is to try out many different things and just hope it goes ok, and if it does, try it again and again and maybe even make it a part of your daily routine, if it doesn’t then don’t, ever, please.

Personally, I resonate well with a very structured week to week planning. Of course, being forgetful, confused and immature in mood this is practically impossible to do when unemployed (who am I kidding though, it’s been a struggle throughout my entire life) so I’m still working that out. And I’m pretty sure most forms of true and healthy (and daily) self-care are hard to do. Though I do know now, that reading manga all day long is something to resort to only when moods get high-strung and real bad – literally only capable of lying in bed; it’s time to find something suited for you that distracts you of some really shitty feelings inside and sometimes outside of you, that can be watching cute bugs too, because damn even the simplest shoujo manga is hard to read when in a frazzled mood -, clean clothing is something I should resort to every day and doing my hair and or make up is something I’d like to implement in my daily routine when feeling off. Because it always makes me feel like I am a full-rounded and glitzy fabulous person. This blog, too, could be a great form of self-care for me, truth-telling my way through it while dressing up and keeping a form of routine about it. But self-care is not, and never will be chilling out in bed all day because you have a slight day off. When just feeling a little off and unbalanced I’ve personally found it best to go out and get out of my comfort zone, just a little. A tiny tiny tiny little; take a walk outside, pull out some weeds, feed some cute ducklings but don’t laze about and get sucked into the overwhelming negativity you are undoubtedly feeling.

I don’t want to judge anyone, I want to support everyone who thinks that what they are doing is right for them, but remember this perfect Audre Lorde quote, please and take care;

Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it’s about self-preservation.

Protect yourself from poor outside influences, protect yourself from yourself, protect and try to care for yourself, knowing who you are, you being the only one knowing themselves.

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Obligatory butt shot heyyyy