Let’s not pinpoint one sole reason, but I do feel that largely my output of posts here has declined severely due to really something quite simple as fear. June 10th was my last outfit post. Sure the reasons were for a large part practical: I had no place to photograph an outfit. Also, even if I did it would have probably been aesthetically unpleasing. The background, that is. Because I was hospitalised for a mental illness. I wanted this. I never knew it would take months but I’m glad I went through the process.
I don’t know if I can, I don’t know if I’m willing and I don’t know if I dare write about it. But somehow I want to, probably need to. Because, though healing, it was also alienating. I feel a disconnect from the world outside of my therapy bubble. Then there’s the stigma both of hospitalisation and my diagnosis. How can I publish something like that online? But then again how can I find ways to reconnect? Over the past year I’ve started so many drafts then grew too scared and closed all tabs. So silence. This only fed the chasm. It grew wider and cracked and fissured until I didn’t know how to bridge it anymore. But I refuse. Just refuse this disconnect. Just no. So. maybe, I will write.
For many, I think at least, it must seem stupid; attention-seeking; desperate; plain dumb to want or need to post about this. And some of that may be true in a way but what isn’t in some eyes?
A hint: Sing with me! Yes I deserve this!