cherry stains

HNI_0079_MPO

top: gift, bra: gift, skirt: hand-made by friend of fabric that was a gift, shoes: dr. martens (actually also a gift)

Three, four days I’ve been wearing this hair, tied up for gardening, falling asleep in it an I can’t be bothered to even redo it for work, for friends for nothing. Work forces me to wear all-black and I’ve shed it as an ugly layer of dirt as soon as I came home, but three, four days I couldn’t be bothered. I’ve worn all-black voluntarily, sunk in a sofa, drooped head, only having goals on animal crossing. Sad and listless.

Pulling out weeds taller than myself is very good for my anxiety, but what do I do when outside of my little green corner? Sad, listless, drooped head and wrecked.

Then it was too hot to wear the black thick dress I’d worn earlier and just pulled on whatever was on the floor. Which coincidentally was this because my friend gave it all to me. Second day, headachy too, I can’t be bothered any more to think of anything to wear than whatever lays before me on the floor, mostly from days before. Sad, listless and smelly with a messy drooped head.

I felt and feel goalless, useless, weak, limped, broken, discarded, sad sad sad sad.

My volunteering jobs basically demands this of me: wear black, wear a specially designed shirt, wear a red badge, sit, do whichever you please, greet the little visitors that come, explain the overwhelmingly complex building, smile (sometimes), sit, do whatever you please, sit.

Goalless but on animal crossing, smelly and cute.

Still, for the second time I had a fullblown panic attack, and I felt so useless and stupid and limp and wrecked. How can I break down (again) when so little is demanded of me? How and why do I break down? I feel useless and limp and stupid. I’ve lost any goal. I’ve not future ahead of me besides jobless anxiety, because what good am I when so little is demanded of me and I break down (repeatedly)?

Make goals, wash hair, pull weeds, plant flowers, go out, eat, swim, walk, feed waterbirds, swim towards waterbirds feed those waterbirds, be cute and wet, be wet and cute, think of increasingly arrogant answers to compliments, accept compliments, wash hair, remember to eat, don’t drink. Do something. Do whatever.

4 Comments

  • I’m sorry you feel so goalless….I think that jobs where so little is required of you can totally make one feel disgustingly sad and worthless and forget all your dreams. I have worked at so many different places and it’s always the jobs where I have a lot to do, even if it is something I don’t enjoy so much, where I get the most satisfaction. They give me the drive to think about my goals. Sitting around in front of a computer (ie my current situation) is exhausting in the worst kind of way and I feel like my brain is going to slip out from inside my head and never come back. šŸ˜›

    And stink about having to wear black…you look so cute in this outfit though!

    • yes, realising this, i must change the way my life is going now that i can!! & i hope you can do the same in the area of goals!! let’s have goals if we need them, yeah goals!!!

  • I agree with the above comment, my job doesn’t require too much of me and when it’s quiet I feel like my job is meaningless and nobody wants me there, especially when the occasional customer comes in and I ask them if they need help and they just give me a funny look like “no stop bothering me”.
    But when it’s busy I feel like people need me and I’m doing something useful. It’s just important to remember this and that when you feel like that it’s not you it’s just the circumstances šŸ™‚ <3 ::ladybug::

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