nyang nyang

vest: etsy.com, skirt: h&m, socks: asos.com, shoes: local cheap shop

Bear with me a while; I’ve had to decide between one shitty choice and another shitty choice and then the realisation of having made shitty choices all along my way.

I made the terrible choice to quit school, just two months short of getting my bachelor’s degree (maybe). It is stupid because everyone kept saying that if I just though it out I’ll be fine. It’s stupid because no one wanted to hear me when I talked of how terrible I have been feeling. It’s stupid because if you do just this one thing, even though you are completely immobilized by your feelings and I’m sorry but I don’t believe a word you’re saying is true — you’re just lazy you know that?, you will be worthy of this shitty job, good luck with that. It’s stupid. You’re stupid. Just though it out, stupid.

I’ve had a hard time trying to believe that a degree does not prove my worth. Because everyone has been telling me that it does.

Thank cats I have friends who tell me that it does not, and anyway what kind of a world is this where you’re not allowed to feel how unnatural our societal structure is (if it comes unnatural to you), what are you some kind of dirty-clothed idealist?

It’s a shitty choice out of a world of shitty choices but at least I get to feel half-way decent while nurturing my idealist side and not feeling overwhelmingly guilty by not doing this or not doing that and ultimately not ever being able to do any of that while I sit with deadened stare in a classroom I don’t believe in. I get to be broke instead.

And I am sorry; I need to get out of my head more often. But that’s okay too because that’s just how my head works.

And I promise I’ll be clear-headed soon. (Maybe.)

This sailor vest I am wearing I am only wearing because of this blog. I think it was a year ago I asked advice on what to do with this oversized sailor jacket, and thanks to you I had the guts to make a vest out of it. At first it felt ill fitting and weird and I felt way too small but after five minutes of wearing it out, we felt we were made for each other.

12 Comments

  • I’m sure everything will turn out fine, you just have to look at things on the bright side, it’s an easy thing to say but it sure works well for me! Just listen to some tunes (like David Bowie!) have a smoothie (raspberyyyyy <3)sit down for a bit and just enjoy a bit of sunlight! It can't be bad for you!
    meanwhile, i think your outfit is really cute! 🙂

    munchmecat.blogspot.com

  • I love your blog not only for your outfits but for what you write.It’s really honest.I’m finding my A-levels pretty turbulent at the moment,constantly wanting to strive and achieve,whilst knowing that a lot of that feeling is coming from a weird internal feeling that tells me I must get an A. and what for? I have no idea.It doesn’t exactly make me happy,and really a lot of it feels worthless and flimsy.structured education confuses me.
    anyways,must keep plodding on.
    I hope your shitty choice turns out to not be shitty ^.^
    Sofie

  • Believe me, I also feel like there’s so much pressure to get a degree in order to be a fully-functioning member of society. I think it’s ridiculous when people are looked down upon because they’re making a choice that will infinitely help them… you know… not go insane.

    It’s crazy that people can say things like “you didn’t think this through” when you quit, as if it’s really a rash decision. Most people, especially people smart enough to go to college in the first place, know what a big deal quitting school is and they’ve weighed the options.

    People just don’t want to accept that some people aren’t made for writing endless papers to become doctors, lawyers, and accountants.

    *sigh* Aaanyway, I hope this decision benefits you every way you think it will.

  • If you feel unhappy doing what you were doing, then it’s better to quit doing this than force yourself to do something you don’t want to. I don’t want you (or any of my friends) to be unhappy. Especially not over something like getting a diploma. You’re still young and you’re incredibly smart. You’re going to be okay.

  • Sometimes the level of shittiness you are feeling outweighs the shittiness of a decision, so sometimes you have to do the ‘wrong’ thing for the right reasons. And don’t many decisions feel shitty at the time of making them? Because that’s what change often feels like – ahem, shitty.

    You should stick with your friends, they have things worked out – higher education in no way (NO WAY!) determines a person’s worth. I hope you feel a bit more clear-headed and happy about your (non-shitty) decision soon 🙂

  • There are too many people who are elitist and think that being good at maths or science is the only way that you’ll ever make it to anywhere worthwhile. They don’t realise that there are both successful artists and unsuccessful academics. Degrees aren’t even assurance that someone is going to get a good job so for those people to say that to you is just a bunch of bullshit. Don’t even think about them. I get so much stick for wanting to study English Literature at university, just because it is not a science. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.

  • My older sister didn’t finish her degree with just a while to go and was experiencing rather terrible depression. You’ll know the direction you want to take when you’re ready for it. In the meantime, do spend time with the people who love you and make you feel better. Take good care.

  • Deciding that your mental/emotional health (which affects your overall physical health) and personal well-being is more important than a degree is not a stupid decision. Again, I thought that forcibly leaving school was the end of my life and no one would take any value in me, but you know what? The people who love you and the things that matter never leave, and sometimes, the people who we think have our best interests at heart don’t, because they don’t really know what’s best for us. You are worthy of existence on this earth, worthy of respect, worthy of love, worthy of what makes you happy, and most importantly, worthy of a BREAK. It might seem really wrong now because society values a piece of a paper to legitimize you, but when you’re back to 100% Eline, it will be the best thing that happened to you. I promise 🙂
    Also, I love sailor/nautical fashion for obvious reasons, and you rock that jacket and outfit like the queen that you are. What comes to mind is a quote by Bei Badgirl “don’t worry, be cute!”

  • It sounds to me like you listened to your intuition, you knew deep down the right choice to make. Be proud of this!! Learning to listen to your intuition is incredibly hard. I struggle with it a lot.
    Have you heard of the book Women Who Run With The Wolves? It is a collection of old fairytales from many cultures and then the author analyses them in regards to how they can help us live our lives, what traditional knowledge each story is passing down. There is one story in it, Vasalisa the Wise, that is about intuition. I think you would really like the book/ find it helpful.
    I read this post when you first put it up and I’ve been thinking about you since then. I hope you are doing better xox

    • Thank you ;___;. I’ll check that book out one of these days!

      I have been thinking of you too, I hope you’ll get back to blogging or something or whatever one of these days <3

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