Bear with me a while; I’ve had to decide between one shitty choice and another shitty choice and then the realisation of having made shitty choices all along my way.
I made the terrible choice to quit school, just two months short of getting my bachelor’s degree (maybe). It is stupid because everyone kept saying that if I just though it out I’ll be fine. It’s stupid because no one wanted to hear me when I talked of how terrible I have been feeling. It’s stupid because if you do just this one thing, even though you are completely immobilized by your feelings and I’m sorry but I don’t believe a word you’re saying is true — you’re just lazy you know that?, you will be worthy of this shitty job, good luck with that. It’s stupid. You’re stupid. Just though it out, stupid.
I’ve had a hard time trying to believe that a degree does not prove my worth. Because everyone has been telling me that it does.
Thank cats I have friends who tell me that it does not, and anyway what kind of a world is this where you’re not allowed to feel how unnatural our societal structure is (if it comes unnatural to you), what are you some kind of dirty-clothed idealist?
It’s a shitty choice out of a world of shitty choices but at least I get to feel half-way decent while nurturing my idealist side and not feeling overwhelmingly guilty by not doing this or not doing that and ultimately not ever being able to do any of that while I sit with deadened stare in a classroom I don’t believe in. I get to be broke instead.
And I am sorry; I need to get out of my head more often. But that’s okay too because that’s just how my head works.
And I promise I’ll be clear-headed soon. (Maybe.)
This sailor vest I am wearing I am only wearing because of this blog. I think it was a year ago I asked advice on what to do with this oversized sailor jacket, and thanks to you I had the guts to make a vest out of it. At first it felt ill fitting and weird and I felt way too small but after five minutes of wearing it out, we felt we were made for each other.