Protect me from what I want

I haven’t had very much energy to do anything but sit in a corner and pout, but when I realised my outfit consisted of nothing but second hand children’s wear I wanted to collect some scraps of energy in the corners of my dusty room and stand here anyway. I like the colours and stuff. This made me feel momentarily okay because it doesn’t make that much sense and feels out of place and uncomplimentary to each element and wearing it feels weird and inconsistent.

My head has been wrecking itself. I am currently in a vicious cycle in my last semester of a bachelor’s degree where I am so anxious to get this diploma which doesn’t mean a thing because my education was so faint and blurry that sometimes I cannot place a finger on what I’ve done these past four years and I am so troubled by it and so anxious to reach this stupid stupid goal that it has brought me to a standstill where everything I have to do makes me sick.

This is where I could express my disapproval for the educational system that I am in, for the fact that it and many other factors have made and so many others me feel consistently out of place. But that doesn’t matter. I just feel bad and tired and I’ve always felt out of place wherever but who doesn’t and anyway who cares. I just feel sick and anxious and so horribly sleep deprived though I only miss an hour less sleep a day it makes my head feel heavy and faint and dark and light all at the same time and my stomach is cramped and my chest doesn’t allow me to breathe freely and that is what matters.

5 Comments

  • That really sucks. I hope you feel a lot better once it`s all over – I am to very disappointed in the educational system so I hear ya sister! And you look wonderful (though sad) in that outfit. Very sweet.

    >’.'<

  • I hope you feel better soon, Eline. Educational systems everywhere suck, and I know how you feel. I felt exactly the same when I had to move back home to my parents and accept an unpaid internship after I had graduated. The time, energy and money that I had spent on my education, and to this day a part of me feels like it was for nothing… Eeeesh. It’s scary stuff. But hey, at least you look wonderful. Love that sweater!

  • For me, I often look back at a year of education where I can’t recall a single thing and I wonder if that time’s been wasted and if the years ahead (university) will be like that too. Then I’ll find an old note or a photo in a forgotten album on my computer and all those small moments will come back to me. I hope you feel better soon. <333

  • Awwww šŸ™ sorry to hear you’re so stressed out at the moment, i’m such a stressy worrier too so i know how you feel (especially when it comes to work)! Hope everything calms down a whole lot soon. It’s always good to dress like a happy bunny to take your mind off things anyway šŸ˜€ lovely outfit, i love the yellow ribbon threaded through the lace on the skirt, you only ever find it on vintage kids wear-NOT FAIR!
    xxxxx

  • It’ll be worth it in the end! You already have the drive and talent, which are 2 things the educational system can’t teach. šŸ˜‰

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