roooood

So anyways I was sad today and then my second Orla Kiely shoes arrived which went perfectly with the dress I just put on and they go so nice together. That’s such a cute coincidence and I needed to document that. It’s the coincidence I want to share not the shoes & the buying & buying & buying. Feelings, smiles and good things. That needs to be remembered. I need to document these tiny moments that make me smile more. Will you help me? Like give a shout out whenever and say hey what’s yr outfit or what was good today, eline? or something?

Ever since my last exams in December & January I’ve been extremely Not Well (mentally). And just like the shoes in my last post I got them on ebay in a panic-fueled-stress-impulse purchase. I have been sucked in those moments quite a lot lately. I need to stooohhhhp. But that small piece of adrenaline I get, the short-lived illusion of happiness when spending money, all my money and just letting myself go for once, like I can breathe for five minutes (and then the panic comes knocking right on time) is so hard to resist. I feel like this glass version of myself and it cracks and cracks and cracks and soon there will be nothing more left to crack and I’ll be gone. Physically, mentally, both? I don’t even know. But I feel like I’m at a border that I never want to cross because I don’t think there’s a path to turn back. But I’m just being pushed towards it little by little and I’m scared.

Clothes, makeup, shoes, bags, skincare…. it let’s me breathe just for a bit. Some will cry out CAPITALIST CONSUMER CULTURE HAS TRAPPED YOU. But you forget the love I have for clothing, my personal rituals, myth and becoming/being I’ve woven around it all of that. And oh yes, of course my relationship with consuming is warped.

But I’m trying to be easy on myself.
It’s difficult.

4 Comments

  • Hello! I have been reading your blog for a few years and I have some little bee and flower and cat stickers you made all over my notebooks- so first I just wanted to formally say hello! I love this dress, it seems so vibrant it is jumping off the screen at me- the weather here in Massachusetts is very dull and grey and this dress seems like the antidote! I’m sorry to hear that mental health stuff has been plaguing you. It is so hard to want to feel well, or just not care any more and not feel like you are not making any progress, but I want you to know that just being here and breathing and existing is ENOUGH. I am very proud of you! Also, spending/not spending is so hard, and we need to survive by having things that make us feel nice! I feel like I’m taking care of myself when I care about my pretty clothes or fancy makeup… I am happy you are posting again, thank you for asking for comments! I hope there will be more! maybe when your glass self cracks a little more there will be a new you inside and underneath that you have never met before and you will get to know her and she will be as strong and wise as you already know you are now, on good days. Sending love and also maybe a little sparkle magic! -Alyssa

    • Aww it makes me so happy that you’ve got my stickers all over your notebooks!! Your words are so beautiful and comforting, thank you so much. I love the idea of having my glass self break that there’ll be another new me under it! I mean that’s basically why i named myself pupa & have other names like cocooning etc.! Thank you sending you lots of love your way too ::kiss::

  • For me, possessions are little beacons of light in the dark days. Consuming to mask the pain or the numb.

    I hope that in storm of being you can find some peace and energy to continue to be beautifully human.

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