stand up you’ve got to manage

I had a small or not so small breakdown recently. That’s ok. It happens, relapse happens. I am strong enough; I can do this.

One of the things that never fails to help me; or rather one of the things that make me cry while I’m curled in in a ball of misery, one of the things that slowly unfurl that ball of misery just a litte less tight is a couple of songs.

Firstly, River by Joni Mitchell makes me wish I had a river I could skate away on. I’ve hurt too many people; I’ve hurt myself mostly too much. I wish I had a river I could skate away on. I’m so hard to handle, I’m selfish and I’m sad. I wish I had a river so long, I would teach my feet to fly.

But I don’t really want to go away. I want to stay and fight. But I’m so scared.

Suspended in Gaffa to me is the exact feeling of being scared to grow up, to change. I’ve been listening to it since I was seventeen and it spoke to me on all levels. But it still does; I’ve realised it’s not about being scared to grow up, it’s about the continual changes in life. They never stop. Nor should they. But how do you deal with it. Aren’t you scared? Where is this going? Why am I crying? Why are my feet stuck in mud? Can I have it all? Sometimes it’s hard to know if I’m doing it right. I try to get nearer, but as it gets clearer there’s something appears in the way.
Am I doing it?
Can I have it all now?
Can I have it all? Can I have it all? Can I have it all? Can I have it all? Can I have it all? Can I have it all? Can I have it all? (I want it all.) You can’t have it all.
That girl in the mirror between you and me, she don’t stand a chance of getting anywhere at all.

I’m scared of the changes.

I’m scared of what I’m carrying with me, and I want to let it go. This is where Erykah comes in.

I guess nobody ever told you, all you must hold onto is you, is you, is YOU.
Sometimes it’s hard and we can’t let go. You can’t deny it you can’t stop crying. So if you start breathin. Then you won’t believe it, you’ll feel so much better.(So much better baby).

No way I want to project my own experiences on Erykah’s music, what I take away from this is just… let it go. Let it go. Let it go let it go let it go let it go. You won’t believe it, you’ll feel so much better. You’ll breathe again.

If you don’t know what to do, where you’ve ended up, how to go from here, you made a wrong turn? You ran and stumbled off your path?

Didn’t you know your heart will guide you back?

And girl, that last verse kills me:
Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Still, mentally I’m not 100% well. And it PISSES ME OFF. What do you want from me? Am I the same without you? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME. GO AWAY. But you’ve got me. Do I even need to let you go? I WILL BE FREE WITH OR WITHOUT YOU. SO FUCK YOU.

Depression is so overwhelming, I stop and fall still, I curl up into a pupa and sit still. Will I ever be found again?

There is a toned down, quiet version of 蛹化の女 by Jun Togawa, but my favourite is where she’s seemingly pissed of this quietude and just SCREAMS NOTICE THE STEMS OF SORROW ON MY BACK. But you haven’t, and I’ve grown into my own, an insect – an insect of my own or a deformed piece of humanity? AAAAaaaaaahUUUUUHHHh AAAAAAAAAA uuueeeeHHHH
I’ve chosen to be my own insect.

I’m slowly getting sick of myself. So it’s time for Björk to tell me to GET UP. If I hear you whine once more I won’t sympathize anymore. Self-sufficience please! And get to work. You’re on your own now. We won’t save you, your rescue-squad is too exhausted.

And ultimately, without projecting my own experiences on the song, I live for the refrain of I Ain’t Got No by Nina Simone. Because I’VE GOT LIFE.


  • some great music you’ve posted and i REALLY hope you feel all better soon 🙂

  • Hi Eline, I hope you’re safe and feeling better. You’ve done amazingly going to uni whilst dealing with this and I hope it’s been ok so far. I have long term social anxiety and depression and I so relate so a lot of what you’ve said on your blog. I know just how deeply frustrating, dark and trapping these sorts of things are and you’re doing incredibly to keep going and being you despite it.
    love liz x

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