Here there is pink and red and white and blue orange and yellow in which I put so much work and not one bit of frustration; just thought and joy in looking cute, in making all colours and warmth and balance work in my outfit. I looked cute and ridiculous and flawless and my tiniest purse made me so damn happy with its absolutely uselessness. With cuteness above all and a time of feeling great behind me I set out bursting with joy and empathy an joy and love for everyone giggling and smiling so happy at little dogs and the women who loved them and kissed, waving away shop keepers clumsiness, I so understand and please take your time and hey hey! and who cares of all the hordes of people, I am slim and fast and limber and I can slip through everything. I have been treating myself and yourself but above all my friends with the mad mad bad shopping spree I couldn’t keep myself from because it was all driven by the love for my friends and oooooohh I’m really happy and I want to do Things! and it must’ve been over a year iIve felt like this! Over a year I’ve felt. it feels so good, can you remember?
there was the supermarket, dark an huge looming over me I suddenly just knew this was all too much and after just the littles minutes inside I stood crouching in corners trying to still my shaking hands and waiting for a person or two to move away a little further so I could buy that cheap yoghurt but hiding out is never enough and like a little child I stood weeping at the cash register hoping I could make my face like I’d caught a cold but hey that never works and never mind that my inner world and outer outfit world match perfectly for strangers who thinking short-sightedly and label us all as crazy freaks and they can’t give a damn about us because we’re not exactly human for them anyway.
and i came home and lied under a blanket and haven’t moved much since and everything is hard and i sobbed violently over not knowing how to arrange my hair
and i lay under a blanket again and slept slept slept, so happy i was still able to do that but when i’m awake what am I to do?
And i’m recreating this outfit now because I couldn’t bear to forget it, thinking the colour balance was so much fun and I should remember it always but maybe this will only serve as a reminder that’s really damn stupid to forget your meds, girl. And also, this is recovery and it’s okay.